All I want is to be home....

I feel all messed up. I'm going to blame it on the hormones and my misuse of birth control pills -- so the combination of that and spending my Friday evening with Peaches has my head spinning and my stomach somewhere around my ankles.

When the primaDonna was here for a visit before the new year it was a fabulous night out with friends. But we had both laughed that towards the end of the night it was a bit of a time warp back two years. Me, Peaches, the Ex, Greasy, primaD, and Dumb-Mouth.

So tonight as much as things have changed with me and Peaches I still found it a bitter pill to swallow when he asked if I would drive him to La B to see the Ex. Once we loaded him into my car, bid Damo adieu, a somewhat frank discussion was hashed out in the short drive.

If nothing else it is a nice turn of events that he and I are sticking to our promise to be completely honest with one another. I told him I found it somewhat humorous about where I was driving him.

I get it. The boy has needs and the Idiot Stick Figure with no Soul wasn't exactly a willing participant to help out with those needs, whereas apparently the Ex is. Good for him I say.

But here I am at 2 am after one of the most fucked up evenings I've had in ages (I spent most of the time at the pub fighting back tears, out of the full realization of Peaches' new reality. This was the first time I'd gone out with him without his Mum being there and it was a drop-kick to the solar-plexus.) -- selfishly wanting things to go back to the way they used to be.....only to realize that if things had stayed the way they used to be, and Peaches' hadn't had his accident last July, we probably wouldn't have been hanging out tonight, because we wouldn't still be friends.

The weekend of his accident I had decided that I was done with it all -- but here we are six months later with him learning to walk again and me learning how to transfer him from his chair to my car and back again.

I'm rattled and I just need to go to sleep.