I've got a meeting with The Bobs.

"Be less charming. Talk about other guys - A LOT. Make pointing gestures with your middle finger. That should get rid of him."

Wow. Better advice I have never(?) received. This was the text message that beeped into my phone at 20 minutes to six this morning (on a side note I didn't actually read it until 10:30 this evening and wondered if perhaps I woke up at six read it and didn't realize it.....it's possible!). It was in response to a text that I sent out at 1:30 this morning while I was sitting in the "Black Hole" with a few of my co-workers. It started to get weird with one co-worker who kept hinting about another. Yiikes.

This is a guy that I work quite closely with EVERY weekend. We're a team and for over two years we have worked very well together. But in those two years he has had and ended two very serious relationships (remember when I told you that you don't move in with your rebound? You probably should have listened to me!). So if he's interested in me, it's probably going to get a little awkward at work. Not good. Plus I am NOT taking HER leftovers.

On another topic Office Space is on CBC right now. I love this show. Especially his meeting with "The Bobs". His look in that board room is priceless. Chuckles and I have laughed for hours about it and our TPS reports.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful......hate me because I'm a beautiful bitch!

Why is it that a good 99% of my guy-friend's girlfriends all end up hating me? (I can only think of ONE that doesn't hate me.....)

Is it something I've said?

Or are they just pissy because I get along better with their boyfriends and I don't have to suck any cock to get there!

But girls here's a little reminder. You can be friends with the opposite sex without having sex with them, without secretly being in love with them and trying to sabotage their relationships (funny enough these are all things I've been accused of!). It is possible!

If I've been friends with a boy and nothing has happened I would say odds are pretty good that nothing ever will. They're like brothers and I don't have some weird Freudian complex or anything so the love I feel for them is just that....friendship.

Yet another of Chuckles's crazy bitches (not sure where he digs them out of -- although we did discern that he must emit some sort of beacon that attracts them) asked if he and I had ever dated. When he answered in the negative, she replied well you should start and promptly slammed the phone down in his ear.

I met this girl for all of five minutes at a toga/bucket party. We got introduced and that was the extent of her "meeting" me. Me thinks she needs to be a little less insecure and not make a guy that you've been dating for all of 5 minutes (in the grand scheme of life -- not literally) choose between you and his friends. That's just a dumb idea and a choice you'll never win!

Girls are stupid sometimes.

You Slut (pronounced sloot)

Seriously.
Just admit it.
You know you're proud of it.
Come on.
You totally had phone sex with the Air Canada Customer Service guy so that you wouldn't have to pay the difference for your flight!

I had to pay 75 bucks. But ol' Donni over there gets the forty buck fee waived and somehow convinces the guy not to charge her the nearly $80 price difference.

When I called back to Air Canada to whine and bitch (and see if I could get the same deal). The woman had genuine shock in her voice when she saw what had happened.

You know what that sound was......

The sound of a job opening as an Air Canada Customer Service Rep.

The Best Laid Plans......

He bought a house.

I think I'm still (editor's note: some text was removed so as not to make me turn to stone when certain people read this.) with him.

Today was his birthday. So I missed the traditional celebration out at the Thai Utopia otherwise known as "The Beach". I blame it on the fact that I was tired and hungover from the night before, but in reality it was just me still trying to move on.

No matter what I've said in the past six months, the only reason I've "moved" on is because he and I have had less contact. Seeing him tonight, while I knew it probably wasn't the best idea and truly I couldn't help myself when his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend went home with his sister and he asked me for a ride home. I stayed out three hours past my "I'm leaving fashionably early because I have better things to do time" (in my defence my pre-arranged bail out phone call never happened).

The idiot stick figure with no soul (also known as his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend) kept calling and texting him. I laughed when his buddy said, "she's 29, she's not going to do any better than you". Cue my hyper-ventilations. If he gets married before me I will and truly have a complete and total nervous breakdown.

Driving him home, he told me he was disappointed I didn't show up for his birthday, that he still wants me to move in, and then I think he invited me to come in when we pulled up to his place.

So has anything changed? Well the good news is I didn't go in.......as much as right now I may be wishing I had, I know that it's for the best.

Seeing him tonight was fabulously difficult. No matter what has happened between us, it still feels like everything is ok. No matter how often I think I've moved on he still seems to be the best I've ever had.

In short.

I'm fucked.

My Hormones Can Go To Hell!

I'm a 26 year old single female. I am comfortable with that. I love having my own space, without having to worry about anyone else. I can work long hours and come home and be bitchy. I can walk around my apartment naked, I can eat in bed. Basically I do whatever I want.

So why today when I noticed that the homely girl I work with was wearing an engagement ring did it feel like a swift kick in the ovaries?

I have long proclaimed my love of single life, telling friends and family that I doubt I will ever marry. I've told my mother not to hold her breath waiting for me to pop out some grandkids for her either!

Apparently though my hormones aren't on track with my brain's plan of no marriage, no kids.

I suddenly found myself worrying what if I'm getting too old, I mean I don't even have a boyfriend prospect on the horizon. Granted there are several contenders that I spend time with but none of them are good enough to commit to........

Why am I feeling this now? I've still got plenty of unattached, childless friends with whom I can party and travel and spend time with. Perhaps this is a slight side effect of being bombarded by old school chums and their babies last week.

Whatever it is it better get under control. In the mean time I'm going to go pop a birth control and turn off my cell phone so I don't make any stupid late night phone calls out of desperation and the fear of my ovaries exploding.

I'm with the Band....

Nothing is better on a Friday night of a 30 degree day, with high humidity and having sat for three hours on a wooden bench surrounded by drunken buffoons adorned in green and white cheering on their football team, sweating like a cheap whore on a busy night, and paying $4 for a hotdog that was the first thing you ate that day, than to wander down the strip post game and discover your favorite local band is playing.

How I love to listen to Tim McGraw's vocals crooning out of that speaker as he breaks out Roxy Roller. Doogie Howser is wicked on the skins as he tears into his one-armed version of Wipeout. Then there's Donnie Wahlberg belting out Relax and spraying water all over the stage as he sings "when you wanna cum".

It was a sweaty hot mess in there made only worse by the appearance of Sally and some of his drunken frat boy football buddies. (Note to Sally: throwing ice cubes down my top from across the crowded dance floor -- while impressive -- does not endear you to me in anyway shape or form. Neither does letting your creepy drunk friends hit on me or hover next to my table staring at me!) You're 27 and married Sally -- pull it together and besides you look so much better in pinstripe suits than flip flops and an Abercrombie T-shirt.

If I can round up Jeremy Piven and Jason Biggs, then I'll forego Leo Dicaprio's Thai paradise and not celebrate Owen Wilson's birthday bash at the Beach.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

I'm sitting watching Dr. Phil and wanting to punch people in the face. Now normally I loathe Dr. Phil but today I loathe his guests. People who's children are extremely overweight. How stupid are people?

If you feed your kid shit like twinkies instead of fruits and veggies of course he's going to be fat. The kid is smarter than the parents because most of them sneak and hide the food they eat.

A four year old that weighs 187 lbs!!?!??!?!?! That's insane!

I just don't understand how these kids can be like this........wait I do know. The parents!

People's ignorance and stupidity makes me angry.

Babies, Brides and Boobs

So I had a lunch "playdate" with a group of ladies that I went to elementary school with......

Each one of them had at least one child, while Darling D has two cute little rugrats (to me it's still amazing that she's a mother and she is beautiful and amazing at it).

I have no issue with people getting married and having children but if that's all you can talk about when we do a brief lunch to catch up on one another's lives I find it somewhat sad. One has stopped attending university a mere semester shy of getting her degree. The other was talking about divorcing her husband after two years of marriage. And finally I was tired of hearing about how fabulous the other's husband was. All of them married their high school sweethearts......what are the odds of that? Had I married my high school sweetheart.......well let's not even think about that it's too disturbing and scary (author's note: had I married him I would have 2.5 children, white picket fence, a dog, a minivan and never leave the house --- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh).

Seriously! When did intelligent women have nothing better to talk about but how amazing and tiring their wedding day was (two years ago!). Or changing diapers (I don't care what their poop smells like). Or finally complaining about how big/small breastfeeding has made their boobs (I don't feel bad that your C cup is no longer or that you had to go buy a bra to confine your F cup breasts).

I doubt I'll be attending another lunch like that anytime soon, especially when two thirds in attendance kept saying I must be rushing off to get my "tubes tied" after lunch with four children under the age of 2.

Who needs to get their tubes tied when they just know they don't want children RIGHT NOW. Sorry I have a career to worry about!

Impulse!

Today I make a little more sense.

I have what some people might refer to as a shopping addiction (for those of you that say money can't buy happiness have never been shoe shopping with me!).

I am the Princess of Impulse purchases!

Apparently my father is the King of Impulse purchases. He bought himself a Harley yesterday.
Long live the King!

Living with the Peach.......

So the Peach is considering buying a house. I guess I shouldn't say considering he is frantically looking to buy a house because he is officially being evicted from his Mum's house as she is downsizing.

Now I can't feel too bad for him because at the tender age of 26 it's probably time to be out on your own. Frankly I think it will be the best thing for him to be paying bills and having a little responsibility.
It came up that I'm looking to move out of my shoebox of an apartment back when he first mentioned buying a house. That was a couple of months ago.

I'm kinda lazy sometimes so I made a half-assed attempt one weekend to apartment hunt with primaDonna but after seeing a shitty little bachelor apartment (that would have been suitable as a walk-in closet, at most for me) that put a slight distaste in my mouth. Instead I've decided to endure ignorant neighbours who buzz your door at 3 am, the smell of hot, rotting garbage emanating from the old guy's apartment beneath me and basically some trailer trash who don't seem to have a job to go to, ever.

I digress. So he asked if I would move into his house when he got one. I said sure thinking not much would come of it. But here we are two months later and he's put an offer on a house and is hoping that he can count on me as a roommate.

Perhaps I should explain why this is a bit of a worry for me. The Peach and I have some considerable history. Things got messy and we stopped talking for a little while. There was no dating involved per se. But let's just say he was a very large part of my life at the most tumultuous time of my life (trust me 2005 was a rollercoaster of hellish emotional baggage).

So I'm just not sure that it would be a good thing to potentially fall back into some of that after I have worked so hard over the past 8 or so months to get over him.......

I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.....

where's my halo?

Family weddings. Are they not fabulous? Normally my response would be a resounding FUCK NO. In my experience I have never actually had fun at a family wedding. In fact the only weddings I have had fun at have usually involved my former co-workers and copious amounts of alcohol.
For me the family wedding has oft meant you have some role to play. Be it reading from the bible (big brother's wedding), bridesmaid (little brother's wedding), sitting at the guest register (uncle's wedding), sitting at the register (aunt's wedding), or just generally being expected to clear tables, sell booze tickets, put out the midnight lunch, put away the midnight lunch, not drink -- at all -- but you name it I've probably done it. So you can imagine that I was not overly excited about my cousin's impending nuptials this past Saturday.
Not to mention that family weddings also seem to turn into a bit of a pity-fest and the older I get the worse it seems to get. I thought I was going to break the curse of attending Family functions solo. Apples said that he would gladly join me in my tour out to Townie-ville because he in fact "loves weddings".
I should have known better. Damn Apples actually managed to get my hopes up a little. Perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised though when I found myself sitting in the back of my parents' Blazer alone. I plugged in my iPod and unplugged myself from the world. Fuck was I mad. Mostly because I knew what the next few hours were going to entail of having to answer where was my "escort". Funny thing was at this point I didn't know where he was either.....

I'm sitting outside of the church hating the world, hating weddings when low and behold my cell phone vibrates from the depths of my cute little green purse -- which I might add co-ordinated beautifully with my white Billabong skirt and green open-backed top . It's Apples. He had been helping Peaches build a deck, had taken a nap and only just that second woken up. It was twenty minutes to show time and we were fifty minutes out of the city. Not the best odds of him making it then.
I felt like laughing hysterically at how brutal my social life can be sometimes. Now to explain to my whole family that "Yes, I am such a loser that my friend couldn't even be bothered to get his shit together to accompany me". Lovely. I feel like one million dollars -- if those dollars had been eaten by an elephant and then vomitted up and then eaten again and shit out! Yep.
One. Million. Bucks.

But being the trooper that I am (and revelling in the close proximity of all of the similar asshole-genes that my family possess) I did manage to have a fairly decent time and realized in the end it was for the best that Apples decided to be a dick.

I helped get the midnight lunch ready, I sold booze tickets, I took pictures for other family members, I cleared tables, I put the midnight lunch away, I kept myself to three whole drinks -- basically I did everything but clean the fucking bathrooms (I actually did that at little brother's wedding......don't ask).

Other little notables from the day -- my cousin-in-law is a fabulous girl and balls to her for wearing a pink wedding dress and dressing her bridesmaids in white (despite her mother being mortified).
Townies. Now I'm not saying that I'm so much better and more sophisticated by if dancing at my own wedding to AC/DC then someone should probably just shoot me. Fuck I am so glad that we left that town when I was ten. WOW. My life would have turned out so much different.

Thankfully no more family weddings for at least another five years!