Making bad choices since 1981...

I wonder what it is about me, I never seem to learn.

Over the years I've done several stupid things, some I have a daily reminder (like that tattoo on my rib cage -- not my brightest moment), others I struggle to remember that it wasn't as rosy and delightful as my mind likes to let on (like those two years with Peaches, or those few months with the Carpenter, or the Gargoyle, the Photographer, Ace, and a host of others).

I guess then it shouldn't surprise me that once again I am a dumbass. Another bad choice, another story to tell. I better start writing these down so that with any luck at least someone (maybe my nieces) could learn something that just doesn't seem to want to sink in.

Mr. New York. What a mis-step that one was. Who goes on vacation and manages to run into a guy who lives down the street from you at home? Why couldn't I just leave that on vacation?

Now two months later things are starting to fall back into some realm of normality (well, normal for me).

Here's to another 27 years of bad choices!

Questions

I spent part of the weekend visiting with family and friends that I haven't seen for awhile.

As usual it was like sitting through an interrogation. Non-stop questions trying to catch up on what's going on in my life.

Best question of the weekend goes to one of my friends.

Friend: So are you dating anyone?

Me: Nope.

Friend: Why not?

Indeed, why not. I thought the answer should be pretty obvious. Why be dating someone, when I haven't found anyone that I want to spend time with. I don't date, just for the sake of dating. I've spent enough time on losers so why do I want to waste anymore of my time. Apparently she didn't think that was a good enough answer. After all, now that she's engaged, the rest of the world should follow suit.

She also felt triumphant over another of our friends, proclaiming that she was going to be married before her. The unspoken statement being that this of course made her better than my other friend.

Ugh. She's going to be unbearable once they finally set a date and wedding preparations must begin. She'll probably have me wearing some sort of peach taffeta ball gown as a bridesmaid -- which I will do if she doesn't drive me insane first.

In my thoughts and prayers.

A random text message today sent my day spiralling.

I received a text from a good friend that I have drifted from simply because of distance, work hours and priorities. I still love her to death and now I am terribly worried about her.

The text (I'm assuming it was a mass text to a few of us) asked that the reader pray for her mother even if we're not religious because she is in severe organ failure in the ICU.

I worry for my friend because she has already dealt with more than most people should have to.

When we were twelve she suffered the blow of dealing with her father's death. It was a choice he made that forced her to deal with those consequences. Children can be cruel.

As an only child, my worry for her only increases, as her mother wastes away. This once vibrant woman is now down to a frightening 77 pounds.

My heart goes out to her and I wish that I could be there to offer what little support I can give. Instead I am stuck here, where all I can do is hope and pray for my friend and her mother.

Perspective

The one really good thing about my job is the fact that it's like a cold bucket of reality being splashed in my face.

When I get all whiny and bitchy about things not going my way all I have to do is sit back and take a look at some of the stories we covered out this week.

The rugby player who is battling cancer and thought he had it kicked but is now clinging to life and in a coma, or the high school student who was out drinking with his buddies to celebrate an upcoming graduation but died in a freak accident, or the guy who was driving home on a grid road -- lost control of his vehicle and rolled into a slough and died, and of course the guy who went missing and wound up dead in his truck in a parking lot.

All of that misery. All of those lives cut short and all of those struggles. It really helps to bring things into perspective and makes me remember that I do have things pretty good and sometimes pretty easy.

So maybe, I should just shut up and enjoy it.

I think I will.

Two weeks to happiness....

Well not guaranteed happiness because nothing in this life is a guarantee.

But frankly, my upcoming trip to The City by the Bay has me looking forward to an escape. It will be a nice break from reality as my Mum and I traipse around northern Californie for a week.
Some shopping, relaxing and seeing a city that I have long desired to visit will be a nice break from the stupidity that has been work for the past ten weeks. Right now, that's the only thing that is keeping me going.

Hopefully, I'll get to see my new nephew before I go!

Whatever you want me to be.....

I don't remember my mother ever specifically telling me that I could "do anything" or "be anything" I wanted to be. It was always implied and always something I just knew. Something I carried with me as I casually strolled through my first degree and something I held up as I buckled down in my second degree.

So now as time passes I wonder where that ambition went. I felt crippled at work today when it hit me that I haven't done anything with my life. My cousin is off in third world countries setting up programs for disadvantaged children. I have a friend in Africa who is teaching journalism and doing her best to get "stories out". These people are making a difference in the world -- what the hell am I doing?

I have this feeling that I should be doing something more with my life, something great, something that will make a difference in the world. But what that dare to be great situation is for me......well that I'm not too sure about.

I realize now it's more likely that I have been waiting for that dare to be great situation to just fall into my lap. Expecting that it will be handed to me on a silver platter. Even though intrinsically, I know that I will have to work for it, that I have to want it.

Instead I spend my days in the fishbowl, churning out television programming. Some people may think that's glamorous. While I do enjoy it, and love the creativity that it can afford me, it's not like I'm going to change the world with a two minute news piece. And, of course the office politics are getting to be more of a hassle than it's worth.

So here I sit, aglow with a tired desperation and the faint wash of light from my laptop wondering where the hell do I go from here......

Done with it?

Another long week is dragging itself to a close.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm in this business, especially after a day like today. But going for drinks with Kavi tonight was the best thing for me.

Spending time with her reminds me that yeah there is a lot of shit to be dealt with, but there will be shit with any job and I love making television. It's that simple.

I was stressing tonight while things were falling apart in the control room and there wasn't much I could do to solve it other than keep calm and thankfully it looked nearly flawless on air.

Sometimes what I do is great.

Sometimes what I do sucks.

Doesn't mean that I don't long for some stability in my life. This career hardly caters to that and I know that I have to search it out on my own, even if it means that it's a lot more work than I care to throw in.

But who has time to think about that now. My post work medicinal gin has made me sleepy and in need of my bed.

Another long weekend....

What a grand ol' start to the first long weekend of the summer.

After a whirlwind weekend out of province and week that felt like I had worked one hundred days I was ready to let loose this long weekend. I was set up for a stellar Friday night. I did some laundry (as any good 20something does on a Friday night in May) and was nestled into bed well before 10:30 (I know I better slow down!).

I was having the sort of deep sleep that has eluded me for months now. It was the kind of sleep that feels so cleansing and refreshing when you manage to score a solid eight hours straight of it. Alas, it wasn't meant to be.

My sleep was rudely interrupted by some douchebag on a cell phone at 230 AM. It sounded as if this young gentleman was standing below my bedroom window and yelling at the top of his lungs so that I could hear his half of the conversation. Which may not have been so bad if it wasn't for the content. "No, I still have the condom. She wanted me to do it all over her face."

I hope he didn't have to pay her extra for that. What a gentleman.

Lovely.

Nearly 3 months.....

As it has been almost three months since my last post, I figured it was high time that I got my butt in gear and got back into writing.

There has been nothing overly exciting that has kept me from here, except for a slight effort to disconnect myself in an attempt to deal with life.

But it turns out that no matter what, life keeps on churning away no matter how much sometimes you wish that it would slow down.

Peaches is in San Diego -- it looks like rehab is going well and fingers crossed he will be walking on his own in the not-so-distant future.

I'm still kicking it in the QC, working my butt off and planning my next great escape (which for those interested will involve a week in San Francisco with my Ma, at the end of June).

Ok. I think this is a good start back in.

It's spring and everything seems so fresh and new again. Hopefully that's true.

Hooray for Peaches!

I made a long over-due visit to Rehab yesterday.

It was the first time since his accident that I've been able to visit during the day and go to a few of his therapy sessions with him.

Sitting through Occupational Therapy allowed me to watch them trying to teach him how to write again. He was struggling with the pen and says he can't remember how he held a pen before. They were also working out a new muscle that has started to come back in his arm by doing wrist extensions.

The therapists he's working with are amazing. They are light-hearted and funny but it's clear that they deeply care for him -- although I have yet to meet a person that he can't charm!

Next we went to a little exercise therapy where he did a little work on his arms and then decided to go for a bike ride around the centre. This is the most promising thing I have seen him do to date. A couple of spins around the centre and his legs couldn't stop shaking but it's a good sign that the muscles required to ride that bike are working together!

They think he might be released from rehab at the end of next month. I think he's starting to get a little worried because he said that's when reality sets in. Going home on the weekends is just a little vacation from there, but to have to rely completely on family or finding some hired help to
"babysit" him (as he put it).

Hopefully it works out and he can go to Project Walk in Portland and soon.

It would be great to see him up and walking by the end of the summer!

The boy downstairs

I think it was a case of bad eyes, either way I don't think I will ever really know because he moved out at the beginning of February.
Oh well he was probably hideous and I was just projecting.

Slacker

Yeesh.
I'm a slacker.
I'm going to chalk it up to minus 50 temperatures, a douchebag for a brother, The Shunning, misplaced rage and just generally my life.
I have zero desire to do anything.
I'm so angry lately.
I'm tired of taking the high road and being the "bigger person". It's just not as much fun as being a bitch.

Self-serving

Last week at the grocery store out of sheer frustration and impatience I decided to try the self-serve checkout. (Perhaps it should have been an indication that there was no line-up for those checkouts!)

I figured that with the better part of a decade spent working at a grocery store this should be no problem. The thing sucked.

It asked me how many bags I thought I would need. I had three things -- so no bags required (just doing my part for the environment). After scanning the first item it told me to put it in the bag -- wait didn't I just tell the damn machine that I didn't want any bags? -- the machine also wouldn't let me proceed until I had placed the item on the bag carousel (apparently it's weight sensitive). My next item was flowers -- well they didn't have enough weight that would allow me to proceed so the evil grocery store lady had to still come over and scan the last item for me anyway -- not exactly efficient.

Then it struck me that why do I want to scan and bag my own groceries? Why does anyone want to......don't we already do enough for ourselves. We seem to be moving further and further away from any real social interaction.

I think next time I'll wait in line. Then it means that someone gets to continue their job as a checkout chick!

Bad eyes?

I briefly met the boy who lives below me as I stumbled through the door tonight.

My initial reaction was that he was kinda cute, in the same way that I found The Drummer and The Carpenter cute, but the jury is still out on this one. I'm going to chalk the first sighting up to coming in from a blizzard and minus 40 weather.

Here's hoping that it wasn't just the weather.

Addictions

I think I have a problem.
The moment I zipped up the leather, my life felt ok.
I spent all of five minutes in my favorite store the other day and was soothed with the swipe of my card and a pair of fabulous shoes in hand as I walked out the door.
I love consumerism.

All I want is to be home....

I feel all messed up. I'm going to blame it on the hormones and my misuse of birth control pills -- so the combination of that and spending my Friday evening with Peaches has my head spinning and my stomach somewhere around my ankles.

When the primaDonna was here for a visit before the new year it was a fabulous night out with friends. But we had both laughed that towards the end of the night it was a bit of a time warp back two years. Me, Peaches, the Ex, Greasy, primaD, and Dumb-Mouth.

So tonight as much as things have changed with me and Peaches I still found it a bitter pill to swallow when he asked if I would drive him to La B to see the Ex. Once we loaded him into my car, bid Damo adieu, a somewhat frank discussion was hashed out in the short drive.

If nothing else it is a nice turn of events that he and I are sticking to our promise to be completely honest with one another. I told him I found it somewhat humorous about where I was driving him.

I get it. The boy has needs and the Idiot Stick Figure with no Soul wasn't exactly a willing participant to help out with those needs, whereas apparently the Ex is. Good for him I say.

But here I am at 2 am after one of the most fucked up evenings I've had in ages (I spent most of the time at the pub fighting back tears, out of the full realization of Peaches' new reality. This was the first time I'd gone out with him without his Mum being there and it was a drop-kick to the solar-plexus.) -- selfishly wanting things to go back to the way they used to be.....only to realize that if things had stayed the way they used to be, and Peaches' hadn't had his accident last July, we probably wouldn't have been hanging out tonight, because we wouldn't still be friends.

The weekend of his accident I had decided that I was done with it all -- but here we are six months later with him learning to walk again and me learning how to transfer him from his chair to my car and back again.

I'm rattled and I just need to go to sleep.

Law n' Order

I am addicted and I blame L and the trip to Hawai'i.

What a fabulous television show that seems to be perpetually on (I suppose it helps that there are three different version!)

I find that if I can't find it anywhere I'm disappointed and no matter if there is only ten minutes left in an episode I feel compelled to watch it.

Which reminds me.....gotta go I just found an episode!