Whatever you want me to be.....

I don't remember my mother ever specifically telling me that I could "do anything" or "be anything" I wanted to be. It was always implied and always something I just knew. Something I carried with me as I casually strolled through my first degree and something I held up as I buckled down in my second degree.

So now as time passes I wonder where that ambition went. I felt crippled at work today when it hit me that I haven't done anything with my life. My cousin is off in third world countries setting up programs for disadvantaged children. I have a friend in Africa who is teaching journalism and doing her best to get "stories out". These people are making a difference in the world -- what the hell am I doing?

I have this feeling that I should be doing something more with my life, something great, something that will make a difference in the world. But what that dare to be great situation is for me......well that I'm not too sure about.

I realize now it's more likely that I have been waiting for that dare to be great situation to just fall into my lap. Expecting that it will be handed to me on a silver platter. Even though intrinsically, I know that I will have to work for it, that I have to want it.

Instead I spend my days in the fishbowl, churning out television programming. Some people may think that's glamorous. While I do enjoy it, and love the creativity that it can afford me, it's not like I'm going to change the world with a two minute news piece. And, of course the office politics are getting to be more of a hassle than it's worth.

So here I sit, aglow with a tired desperation and the faint wash of light from my laptop wondering where the hell do I go from here......